retrospect

5 02 2009

about half of the office had to move due to renovations. it seems the in thing now is to break high walls and big space down by like a third each. more open plan, less open individual space. the latest wave of conformity to hit, although admittedly there is no way we can allow more people in without downsizing the cubicle spaces to be able to squeeze more people into the same floor area. so now it’s less storage, less privacy, but more rowdy company and more reason to just junk stuff when in doubt.

while moving my stuff about i chanced upon an old appointment diary. quite befitting actually as my work here has come full circle. it was from the first year i joined my current place and the first time i started scribbling in an appointment anything to keep track of work and other things. flipping through it i noticed that the diary was simple and my penciling neatly scripted, with some design scribblings here and then. work-wise, i actually had more items noted in it than i remembered. things seemed a lot slower then. i had actually been trying to recall some films i saw in that year, but without much avail. so it was also quite a nice surprise to see some record of that turn up suddenly.

nowadays i don’t do pen and paper much justice. the diary has gotten a little more fancy looking but the handwriting has gone out the window. i have my strength in my fingers to type all day long but not enough to write decently with a pen for a paper. such an irony – i used to always have a rather tight pen grip and paper pressure, so much so that certain fingers developed bumps in school.

so it begins and so it ends. moving cubicles has also proven an opportune time to not just junk stuff, but also pack up and be ready. some will stay where they are. for others the move is temporary because they will move again when renovations are done. they have little need to unpack. and neither do i. it will be a more permanent shift for me. it will be a nice round-up of my time here, to leave at about the same time i came in. it will be a strange sort of parting though: i will leave friends and the environment i know now, but yet i will not be considered as having left service. supposedly i am to return some day.

but in the meantime i will get a change of scene and pace. i will run briefly with the press, which will seem akin to a job introduction without the obligation. after that, the country club on a hill. meantime, there is much else to be done on the home front.

so much awaits.





fr dec 08 to jan 09

16 01 2009

yen pinter santika deaths wife’s bday wy’s dinner ange’s sis egyp archae hotels houses studios church eew xmas new yr uk dvds saizeriya deutsch

owarimasuka?





the weight of a life

1 12 2008

today i feel worse. the more i see of michael’s scrunched up face the more i can’t bear to look at the pictures in the press. had to choke back just looking at the few photos in TODAY. and took me awhile just to stay calm. couldn’t bear to even look at ST or any other paper. didn’t even want to try. can’t be helped that the office is awash with papers. just been averting my eyes where i can. don’t even want to read or hear any more public reports about it. not because i do not care. but because it hurts too much. more than i thought it would. maybe it’s better that other friends i know who were closer are all overseas right now. i don’t know how they would take the coverage. for them it may be easier to switch it off.

it just makes me wonder, with the little rationality i have left right now, what it must be like that this whole episode is not just a matter of her life but so many others. so many with the same fate no matter where they were from. so many others with the same fate from so many other incidents past. what is the weight of their lives? what is a life worth? so little it seems nowadays.

hwei yen and michael. i keep seeing their faces as they were that night. laughing, smiling. i cannot bear seeing michael cry. or imagining her being shot in the head. from what i feel now i cannot imagine that being magnified so many times over for others affected by it, or what others may have gone through for so many others similar deaths. the weight is just infinitely crushing. what does it take for those who are left to be responsible? to me she is never a statistic. i can’t even begin to think of that.





in memoriam: lo hwei yen

30 11 2008

it’s almost surreal. someone i know again. somehow a newspaper death makes it harder to take. there’s been too many of such in the last couple of years.

i am in absolute shock nonetheless. at first i didn’t realise it was her. till i saw the huge pictures of her, and michael, splashed all over the papers. do they have to do that? in that size? with all the wedding joy? right with terrorists, mumbai. before this i’d only known there might be some political connection but that was it. i didn’t have the name. i didn’t have the face. i didn’t think it might hit this close. but then again nobody ever does. it’s true what they say of her in the papers though. lively, friendly, zesty, so full of life. her and michael. i’ll never forget that italian dinner and ben & jerry’s now. i feel almost guilty it didn’t come to mind sooner.

and now it’s all gone. so brief and in a flicker.





a study of 2 men

24 11 2008

happened to watch young adam again after a few years and so happens that i also watched keinohrhasen (rabbit without ears) the day after. couldn’t help but think of the leading male characters, joe and ludo, in both films. both men are good looking, get lots of sex, seem callous, but that’s about all they roughly have in common.

the difference in mood in both films is stark. keinohrhasen is bright, slick, funny, more common to daily life. ludo is a tabloid reporter (at least his writing is more successful than joe’s dabbling in porno fiction), a typical jock in all sense of the word and his sleeping around changes forever after meeting one particular girl. cliche no? the film is certainly more entertaining than thought-provoking. but that should by no means give it less credit for its own merit. granted both films are totally different in genre, but keinohrhasen is a good reminder of the current social, and sexual, condition between single men and women. but for me, it heightens the difference in joe’s character even more.

young adam is dark, brooding, unknown. as serious drama, it is not a pretty film but joe is absolutely fascinating as a character. what made him what he is? what drives him? it’s hard to say sex does. it just happens so much it seems. either he gets it from whoever is in front of him at the time, or women want it from him and he just obliges. based on that he appears to have no social mores and is certainly not an innocent or even likeable character, but yet he’s not a villain either. romance just doesn’t exist in real daily life here.

a drifter, a hustler, a guy with no future, low on the social rungs, on the fringe, whose life revolves around odd jobs half the time and fucking for most of the other. he seems to be seeking somewhere in his head but goes nowhere, and physically that translates into non-action outwardly as well. what does he seek? to feel alive, to be something more, to have power, to not be at the bottom of the barrel, to escape? ludo on the other hand is very much a do-er and his sexual exploits are as much a crowning achievement as his best gossip rag scoops.

for joe, it seems that despite his attempts to do something more they turn out to be ineffectual anyway, the clearest sign of this being the anonymous note he tries writing to clear an innocent man of murder. the other arguable thing is when he tried being a writer, arguable because it’s hard to believe how much he wanted it to work or was just using it as a means to buy time living with his girlfriend. regardless, the sense of futility surrounding his life increases towards the end of the film, which also makes the audience feel increasingly sorry for him even as he may still not be liked. by then he is once again a man with no past, background, links, relationships. all discarded, lost, thrown into the water. and there is something utterly bleak in his existential continuance. is this the reality of the human condition at its most low? desire for idealism but in reality most futile?

young adam makes me wonder what it would be like if all the sex was taken out. after all it is said that when alexander trocchi was trying to publish the story, a publishing house said they would take it if he weaved sex into every 6 pages. and he did. in doing that, i wonder how much of joe’s character was changed. or was it simply fleshed out even more clearly through it? sex used by the characters to fill the voids in their lives, just as sex used by trocchi to fill the void he had in order to publish.

if joe had a local equivalent, what would he be like? if trocchi’s story, originally set in the 50s, had a local equivalent, what would that be like?





the right writers

20 11 2008

overheard on bbc the other day someone commenting about how bloggers and blogging are over-rated. just because someone decides to pen something down online doesn’t make them instant journalists or authors let alone necessarily good writers. they should leave those jobs to the professionals and give them more respect.

*chuckle

i’ll say one thing though. hopefully a life more public will raise standards across the board then.





salve

12 11 2008

did i glimpse my salvation so fleetingly

in that sliver of a moment in that time

twixt twilight and dawn

when night is its darkest

 

was it you who reached for me

or You

in that space between word and feeling

between comprehension and consciousness

 

i remained cosseted in my warm blanket

unwilling to taste chill

 

 





dreary lane

12 11 2008

dreary lane

see i’m walking back down again

all your winding twistedness

you just knew i’d return

didn’t you?

didn’t you?

ashen slopes and crooked steps

filthy drains and raining wet

it’s always the same

you should be weary lane

why don’t we wake the neighbours this time round?

jolt the dead who sleep so sound?

i’m just one of you in the end

may as well embrace

that smell and the taste

of when it all ends

see the crumbling bricks

the tart turning tricks

that’s how it will end

that’s how it will end

dreary lane to futile bend

that’s how it will end

that’s how it will end

dreary lane to bitter end





zoopreme

1 11 2008

see the monkey at the computer

multitasking fries and coke

see the pig next to him skiving

playing busy telling jokes

 

the bitch the boss is yelling

weasel assistant connives

the cock asserts his authority

the cat curls up her knives

 

and us humans we make coffee

yeah coffee for the team

we just make the coffee

see the world unfold its dream

 

cos this world is just zoopreme yeah

this world is just zoopreme

 

the horse does the most work around here

the rhino bulldozes his way

the snake swallows up the pantry

and those it don’t want to stay

 

we humans don’t mean nothing here

just part of office space

we do what we’re supposed to

then exit this bloody place

 

cos us humans we make coffee

yeah coffee for the team

we just make the coffee

see the world unfold its dream

 

and this world is just zoopreme yeah

this world is just zoopreme

see the animals run the dream





peach pie wings

1 11 2008

what could you be up to

my love with peach pie wings

i’ve seen you out about in style

enchanting everything

 

your starry coat can’t hide you

can’t cover your magic wings

won’t you take me to your stars

so I can leave everything

 

what could you be up to

my love with peach pie wings

so warm and so tender you are

and so sticky and sweet within

 

up to you i want to reach

to taste you of your peach

feel the love that you bring down

in me crumble your crown

 

what could you be up to

my love with peach pie wings

the glitter dust you scatter

just fascinates everything

 

what could you be up to

my love with peach pie wings

i’ve seen you out about in style

enchanting everything

 

enchanting everything

my love with peach pie wings